I was discharged.

I had myomectomy and D&C scheduled at 6pm on 24 Sep 04. It was the day the doctor removed my baby from my womb. It was a scary experience. 15 minutes before I was wheeled to the operating theatre, I was given an injection. It made me feel very drowsy and giddy. My doctor came and said to me, "Dun worry, everything will be fine". I just nodded my head and gave him a smile.

I was transferred to the operating table. I could see the huge operating lights which I frequently saw on TV. It was scary. I have never imagined myself to be under those lights! Next, the aneasthetist came and stood on my left. Another nurse was on my right. And another nurse covering me with several layers of green cloth. I could hear the cling cling cling metal instruments. Many things are happening! I saw the operating kit - the knife, scissor, etc. My God! Before I knew it, the anaesthetist had already lifted my left hand and started puncturing. I felt a gush of blood flowing out. A nurse stood beside him and held a tray of syringes. Geez! He told me "Have a good sleep". I saw him injecting 3 syringes of medication and I was out!

The next thing I knew when I woke up was excruciating pain. I cannot speak cos I still have pipes in my mouth. I cried in pain. I can hear that there are machines around me. Someone kept calling my name and asked me to open my eyes. I opened. It took a while before my doctor gave me some painkiller. It worked almost immediately. Thank God for the invention of painkillers!

I cannot remember being wheeled back to the ward, and how I got on the bed. I do remember crying in pain for the rest of the night till they gave me painkiller on the drip. I can hear my husband comforting me when I was crying. Thank you, darling... I know my parents and sisters were around. I could hear them, but I was too drowsy to open my eyes.

On the 4th day, I remembered that I can be discharged. When the doctor visited me in the morning, and asked "Do you feel pain?" Without hesitation, I said "No!" He laughed. haha... Maybe he knew I had told a white lie... I wanted to go home. I was relieved that I could go home already.

The experience was like living in hell being tortured. I will never want to go through another surgery again... never ever again...

All hopes are GONE forever!

On 23 Sep 2004, I was scheduled to go for an OB/GYN ultrasound scan to measure my baby's heartbeat at 3pm. I arrived at the X-ray department at about 3pm. The wait to be called in was not very long. The sonographer was from Phillipines. She was very friendly and gentle. I have forgotten her name though. This was my second ultrasound scan at the X-ray department, eagerly hoping to see my baby's heartbeat. During the scan, I was not able to see what was scanned. It kept me guessing and wondering. I was very worried and kept asking if she can detect my baby's heartbeat. The scan took 45 minutes. I was getting really worried. She did not answer my question whether she could see my baby's heartbeat. Then she told me she gotta go and ask her doctor. I laid there and waited for long 5 minutes before she came back and told me she had finished scanning. I asked again "Can you see the baby's heartbeat?" She told me to see my Obstetrician and he will be able to tell me. She did not say anything else.

One hour later, after collecting the x-ray films and the report, on my way to see my Obstetrician, I opened the envelop and read the report. It was reported that the gestation sac had shrank as compared to the previous scan. I told my husband, "something is wrong". I became anxious and nervous. I did not believe on my judgement. I tried not to think on the negative side. I want my baby!

When I reached my doctor's clinic, as usual, I did a urine test for infection when I reported to the receptionist. I handed my ultrasound results to her and waited for my turn. I felt nervous. I was wondering whether my nightmare two days ago gonna become a reality. I am scared... very scared... very afraid of bad news... I prayed that my baby is still there, safe and sound...

It was my turn to see the doctor. My husband was with me. My x-ray film was hung on the lightbox, ready for my doctor to see. My heart was pumping very fast. I am afraid of what the doctor would tell me. I held my husband's hand tightly. My hands were cold. Finally, the doctor came in. He read the report from the ultrasound. Within seconds, and without hesitation, he told us my baby was not growing. He said "It is better to remove it." I was shocked. Very shocked... The world has tumbled down on me. I lost my words. I do not know what to say or ask. Then he asked me to lie down and examined me. He kept talking to me, telling me that "You are still young. You can try again. Your fibroids are too big. The baby is not healthy this time round, it is better to remove it fast." He tried to make me bleed... It hurt for a while. I just listened quietly, without saying a word. I became dumb. I had nothing to say. He said I need to go through a D&C (Dilatation and Curettage). I gotta be admitted to the hospital the next day. My uterus was weak to expel my baby. I did not bleed. None at all. My tears started to fill my eyes. My eyes could no longer hold my tears and rolled down my cheeks... The doctor asked "Do you have any questions to ask me?" I just shook my head. I dunno what to ask. He told me he will remove my baby, remove the fibroids, check for endometriosis, check the ovaries, check the fallopian tubes, etc. I am just overwhelmed by everything... I cannot think.

The nurse tested my blood, helped me to book a bed in the hospital, prepared a letter for admission, etc. I controlled my weeping... Hubby paid a deposit for the surgery and the cost of an expensive soluble bandange called "Intercede" to be used to cover my internal wound. On my way home, I cried in the car. I sms my sis that I lost my baby. I sms my two best friends. I felt very very sad and weepy and did not wish to talk to anyone. I cannot speak. I just want to be alone, with hubby...

When we reached home, hubby's mum was watching the TV in the living room. She asked "What did the doctor say?" I did not know how to reply her. I just cried. Hubby told her that the doctor had scheduled me for an operation tomorrow. I went to the room and cried for the whole nite...

"Why? Why? Why did it happen? Is it God punishing me? I had thoughts of aborting this little life, but I had decided to keep it. Why? Is God punishing me for having that thought?" People asked me to abort the pregnancy, but I had struggled to save it. Why does it have to end like this? Anyone can tell me why? Have I done anything wrong? Ate anything wrong? Why? Why? Why?

Hopeful visit...

My gynae had scheduled me to go for a detailed ultrasound scan at the X-ray department of the hospital at 1.30pm. I met hubby at his work place and did some transactions in the bank. The lunch time queue was indeed long! We did not have enough time for lunch already and took a taxi to the hospital.
I arrived at the hospital with my husband at my scheduled time. Not having to wait for long, I was called in by a female sonographer. She told me to sign a consent form cos my gynae had ordered a transvaginal scan. My hubby was not allowed to be with me for the scan. I was very excited about the scan cos my gynae had calculated that I should be able to see and measure my baby's heart beat today.
I could see a little bit of what the sonographer was scanning on her screen. I told her that I was pregnant and had 2 fibroids. She tried to find my left and right ovaries for quite some time. There's some difficulty in finding my left ovary and she asked whether I had it removed! Of course, no! I kept asking whether my baby's had any heartbeat. She told me no. Though a bit disappointed, I just took the answer as it was. Then she told me she could find 6 fibroids from the ultrasound. Geesh... so many! She measured the biggest one as 8cm! She did a transvaginal and transabdominal scan on me and took her 45 minutes. After that, she called the doctor in to "confirm" the scan. The gestation sac measured 2.77cm with an yolk sac inside measuring 0.7cm.
After the scan, we had to wait for another hour to get the results before going to see my gynae. We walked to Delifrance for our lunch. It was a simple lunch. On our way back to the hospital, we walked passed a MacDonalds. My craving for fries kicked in and we bought a large fries.
We strolled back to the hospital and went to the X-ray department to get my x-ray film and report. Then we headed straight to my gynae's clinic.
I passed the x-ray films and report to the receptionist. She gave me a strip to test my urine. I was taught how to operate the weighing machine and took my weight. Soon, it was my turn to see the doctor. The nurse took out my x-ray film from the envelop and hanged it on the lightbox, ready for the doctor to see. She made a comment "Wa.. Your fibroid is so big!" Then the doctor said that too when he came in.
The doctor asked me if I was still experiencing pain in my breasts. Something was wrong... The doctor was suspicious of my pregnancy. He said "We will try our best to help the baby to develop. Everything is God's will. What is yours will be yours. If this pregnancy is not viable, still can try again. You already have all the necessary supplements for the pregnancy. We will observe it. The fibroids are too big. At least we have tried our best." The doctor also told me if I started bleeding anytime of the week, anytime of the day, no matter how much was the bleeding, I gotta go to the hospital immediately. The doctor also told us to pray hard, pray very hard. Geesh... It sounds very scary... I was mentally disturbed. Then he gave me an injection. I do not know what was that, all I knew it's vitamins to help the baby to grow. My mind was blank. I dun feel anything. I am not sad nor happy. I tried to think positively. My sis's friend also had fibroids as big as her baby during her pregnancy. She had a healthy baby. It would be like that for me too...